Sometimes, I feel like I'm a little kid all over again....like I've turned back into my little self who 15 years ago would incessantly ask questions. I wanted to know everything (or maybe I just wanted to hear myself talk). I would turn to the great authority of my parents and ask them every question in the book-mostly on the basic level of why this or how that or what happens when you squirt ants with soapy water (which I did of course, I was a bug exterminator at a young age).....recently though, I feel I've returned to my endless questioning phase. I just want to know why everything happens the way it does....why people come in and out of my life, why I've ended back up in phoenix for the summer, how come I still don't know 100 percent what I'm doing with my major...and so on and so forth. It's easy to become frantic over not having answers to what seems like anything, which is why I can only turn to the great authority I know. My Lord. He knows why, He knows how, He knows what for.....He knows it all. It's up to Him, however, if He's going to fill me in on it...after all, who am I to frantically feel that I deserve the right to know why I'm going through the things I am as if I'm completely innocent of it all and it's owed to me to know. In God's incredible (and unfathomable, however you spell that) mercy and grace, He understands my want to know, my secret desire to have that ultimate security that everything's going to be ok so I don't have to worry about anything. And you know what....I've got that, in Him. Even if I don't know in this life, I do know that inevitably comes down to God's character...He is love...and even when I'm struggling throuh so much, I know that His love covers all, that He will give me peace, He will grow me, He will comfort me, He will reveal to me His purposes and more of His character as long as I keep seeking after Him....and there it is....seeking after Him and not desperately seeking after an answer just to make me feel 'better' or more at 'ease' with the way things are. I haven't been doing a good job of that and so that is my prayer. Just as Paul said, He learned the secret to being content in every circumstance....in the end, am I more concerned with wanting to know why God works in the way He does, or is it to simply know Him? To take joy in my salvation through Him and share the fullness of His grace with those lost in this world.
Ok, I'm done now. I'm not sure if any of that made any sense, but you know, I'm not concerned if my thoughts do or not. I simply want to forget what's gone behind, and press on toward the future and what God's calling me to right now, even if I don't understand the reasons behind it. I seek to be obedient to Him adn simply trust....easier said than done, but hey, I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. :) praise the Lord
