Life lessons..

So I failed a test a few weeks ago. I was crushed...for about 2 minutes when it hit me that I'm graduating in 2 months and who the heck cares. In those two weeks, my prof kindly handed out an assignment in an attempt to let everyone make up a few points on these horrific exams. I plowed my way through it, barely understanding the assignment, and again being overcome by the feeling of apathy towards this and all my other classes. I turned it in, half expecting to maybe squeak out 2-3 points, and with a prayer, raise my D to a higher D.
I got it back today, with a shockingly high score.
With as much as I BS'd my way through it, it raised my D to an 89.

Gotta love college. Better yet, gotta love the art of BS--if anything, the most valuable thing I've learned in my 4 years here--my how I have honed my skills. And I still couldn't tell you what that exam was about. :)

Thank you, Lord....

Taking the Initiative Against Despair
Rise, let us be going —Matthew 26:46


In the Garden of Gethsemane, the disciples went to sleep when they should have stayed awake, and once they realized what they had done it produced despair. The sense of having done something irreversible tends to make us despair. We say, "Well, it’s all over and ruined now; what’s the point in trying anymore." If we think this kind of despair is an exception, we are mistaken. It is a very ordinary human experience. Whenever we realize we have not taken advantage of a magnificent opportunity, we are apt to sink into despair. But Jesus comes and lovingly says to us, in essence, "Sleep on now. That opportunity is lost forever and you can’t change that. But get up, and let’s go on to the next thing." In other words, let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the sweet embrace of Christ, and let us go on into the invincible future with Him.
There will be experiences like this in each of our lives. We will have times of despair caused by real events in our lives, and we will be unable to lift ourselves out of them. The disciples, in this instance, had done a downright unthinkable thing— they had gone to sleep instead of watching with Jesus. But our Lord came to them taking the spiritual initiative against their despair and said, in effect, "Get up, and do the next thing." If we are inspired by God, what is the next thing? It is to trust Him absolutely and to pray on the basis of His redemption.
Never let the sense of past failure defeat your next step.

"My soul waits in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.

He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken....

Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is refuge for us."
Psalm 62

"Because of the tender mercy of our God,

With which the Sunrise from on high will visit us,

To shine upon those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death,

To guide our feet into the way of peace"

~Luke 1:78-79

Let it be forgotten, as a flower is forgotten,
Forgotten as a fire that once was singing gold.
Let it be forgotten forever and ever,
Time is a kind friend, he will make us old.
If anyone asks, say it was forgotten
Long and long ago,
As a flower, as a fire, as a hushed footfall
In a long-forgotten snow.

I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.
You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.
Oh plunge me deep in love - put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind.

~Sarah Teasdale

Good Stuff

This really spoke to me tonight...so, yay!

Christian Perfection
Not that I have already attained, or am already perfect . . . —Philippians 3:12

It is a trap to presume that God wants to make us perfect specimens of what He can do— God’s purpose is to make us one with Himself. The emphasis of holiness movements tends to be that God is producing specimens of holiness to put in His museum. If you accept this concept of personal holiness, your life’s determined purpose will not be for God, but for what you call the evidence of God in your life. How can we say, "It could never be God’s will for me to be sick"? If it was God’s will to bruise His own Son ( Isaiah 53:10 ), why shouldn’t He bruise you? What shines forth and reveals God in your life is not your relative consistency to an idea of what a saint should be, but your genuine, living relationship with Jesus Christ, and your unrestrained devotion to Him whether you are well or sick.
Christian perfection is not, and never can be, human perfection. Christian perfection is the perfection of a relationship with God that shows itself to be true even amid the seemingly unimportant aspects of human life. When you obey the call of Jesus Christ, the first thing that hits you is the pointlessness of the things you have to do. The next thought that strikes you is that other people seem to be living perfectly consistent lives. Such lives may leave you with the idea that God is unnecessary— that through your own human effort and devotion you can attain God’s standard for your life. In a fallen world this can never be done. I am called to live in such a perfect relationship with God that my life produces a yearning for God in the lives of others, not admiration for myself. Thoughts about myself hinder my usefulness to God. God’s purpose is not to perfect me to make me a trophy in His showcase; He is getting me to the place where He can use me. Let Him do what He wants.-- My Utmost for His Highest

"Yet faith is called upon, and that right often, to wait in patience before God and is prepared for God's seeming delays in answering prayer. Faith does not grow disheartened because prayer is not immediately honored; it takes God at His Word and lets Him take what time he chooses in fulfilling his purposes and in carrying on his work. There is bound to be much delay and long days of waiting for true faith, but faith accepts the conditions--knows there will be delays in answering prayer and regards such delays as times of testing, in the which, it is privileged to show its mettle and the stern stuff of which it is made. " ~E.M. Bounds

a picture....

So, to be honest, this weekend hasn't been the greatest. Maybe I'm just being an emotional girl, but it's definitely been filled with lots of ups and downs. Today wasn't much different. A while ago I felt like I was allowing myself to be distracted from God in all the little stupid annoying daily chores/thoughts/worries/responsibilities etc. Now, I feel that I'm instead falling into all the emotions of things and not running to my Lord and His beautiful truths. I was taken aback a little today while I was working with my little kids in the afternoon. One little boy in particular has so much energy and vibrancy that he's up one minute, and the second something goes wrong, he has a huge crying fit about it. Everytime something that he thought was his was taken away from him (like this darn small plastic ball he became obsessed with and called "MINE" with such a tone of self-consumed ownership it was ridiculous), he immediately dropped everything and started crying and could not be consoled in the least. He was so focused on this one thing that he wanted so badly-this one thing that was taken away-that he became so distraught all he could do was stand there and cry. It was like he was paralyzed by this. Now, granted, he is just a young child--this is what they do. They cry and throw fits if they don't get their way. But sometimes, it's interesting to look at this picture and in some form, compare it to what we do.
Later in the day, this small boy was just so upset by everything, that all he could do was frantically try to crawl into my lap and bury his face in my arms. Now, I only see this boy for a few hours, but still he recognizes that older figure--that comfort that can be found in some 'adult'--and turn to it when they're upset. How much more does our Father in heaven want us to turn to Him when we feel like the world is ending, that no one understands, that we just keep screwing things up and don't know how to move on.....Especially after this past weekend that I had, all I could envision was me wanting to run up and jump into my Father's arms and burrow my face in His warmth and love. I forget so often that we have a Lord who would rather die for us than live without us...that in spite of our sin, He still loves us....that even when we screw up, or don't understand why we must wait for things, or especially when we're so darn selfish that we throw a fit when we don't get what we think we deserve.....He still loves us. That's pretty extraordinary. Unimaginable. Beautiful.

What an amazing God we serve. How amazing His grace and love.

"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart......" Isaiah 40:11

pretty.

haha, just read the spanish name of this plant. That's just great fun, right there.

some goodies...

"With thee conversing, I forget all time,

All seasons, and their change; all please alike.

Sweet is the breath of morn, her rising sweet,

With charm of earliest birds, pleasant the sun,

When first on this delightful land he spreads

His orient beams, on herb, tree, fruit and flower

Glistering with dew; fragrant the fertile earth

After soft showers, and sweet the coming-on

Of grateful evening mild; then silent night,

With this her solemn bird, and this fair moon,

And these the gems of Heaven, her starry train:

But neither breath of morn, when she ascends

With charm of earliest birds; nor rising sun

On this delightful land; nor herb, fruit, flower

Glistering with dew; nor fragrance after showers;

Nor grateful evening mild; nor silent night,

With this her solemn bird; nor walk by moon,

Or glittering star-light, without thee is sweet.

~John Milton, Paradise Lost

I am not yours, not lost in you,

Not lost, although I long to be

Lost as a candle lit at noon,

Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

You love me, and I find you still

A spirit beautiful and bright,

Yet I am I, who long to be

Lost as a light is lost in light.

Oh plunge me deep in love - put out

My senses, leave me deaf and blind,

Swept by the tempest of your love,

A taper in a rushing wind

~Sarah Teasdale

"...I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: They will be done." Elizabeth Elliot

Coffee pots, rain spots, and bird songs....

"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor do they reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?" Matt. 6

What a wonderful image. Last Friday morning, I woke up early and walked out to our front porch. Much to my surprise, it was actually raining. A large smile appeared on my face almost involuntarily as I was overwhelmed with happiness. I ran off to the kitchen to make myself some coffee and quickly returned to my spot by the window looking out. I had a rough night of tossing and turning (one that I'm usually not accoustomed to, since I can sleep nearly anywhere in anyposition and for however long and never wake up for anything other than my annoying, interruptive alarm). I was rather cranky, but once I looked outside, things changed. My eyes wandered upwards to our string of lights we have running the length of our patio overhang. Right there on the corner, balancing on the delicate line, was a large beautiful red-breasted bird. (I can't tell you what it was since I didn't inherit my mom's love for and impressive knowledge of the endless bird varieties, sorry mom). He had just landed on the line and began singing his song with this beautifully pleasant sound...rather ethereal....very calming. I stared at him for not even 5 seconds when all of a sudden this passage from Matthew sprang into my head. "Do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink...but seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." It took me back for a brief instant to my freshman year Biblestudy where I was going through a painful time of doubt and confusion, and we happened to have a study on this very passage. Since then, the image of the little birds fluttering in and out of my days, a creation by the Creator, fully taken care of...it always comes into my mind.
I began a new small goal as far as my reading goes. I want to read through 1 Gospel a week, then rinse and repeat. (haha sorry, soap commercial tag lines just came floating through my too-easily-distracted head). Last week, I was on Matthew...and conveniently enough, came to this passage the day before the bird incident. What a coincidence, God! So back to the bird, he proceeded to sit on that string of lights for a good few moments, singing his heart out to the gentle patter of rain falling on that early morning. I couldn't help but begin to mull over my life and how incredibly blessed I am. And with that, how utterly selfish I am. I neglect to reflect on all that God's blessed me with--my wonderful health, a close and nurturing family, the ability to be in college, a car that works, computers, books, a shelf full of food, a warm bed to lay my head, utterly the mercy and forgiveness He's given me...and the list is endless. I have been soooo blessed by God that all my needs have been provided for and more so. I take that for granted so much in my life. Especially since materialism and greed runs rampant here in the States, it's easy to think of all the 'things' I don't have and neglect to focus on all the things (tangible and intangible) that I do have, even such basic knowledge about clean water, brushing my teeth, access to fresh foods galor, that so many around the world have no clue or no access to.
Basically, I could go on a whole tirade about all these things, but you get the point. The main small lesson I learned was a humbling one. All thanks to that little singing bird just doing his job--glorifying his Creator--and to the Holy Spirit who opened my eyes to this little devotional moment. To just stop and reflect on how much God has taken care of me, has blessed me, and who still loves me in spite of my horrific selfishness and pride. I can get so caught up in the small little worries about life-all the "ME" times that I have faaar too frequently, about how I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate, about how I'm so anxious about so many things, so many questions, so many stupid emotions. "Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word." Ps 119:35-37. Although it can be utterly painful, it is so valuable to pray for God to make you humble. To strip you of your pride, so that you can come to him and acknowledge how badly we all need a savior and how powerless I am to do any good or have any change without Him. May I continually seek Him, may I turn away from the traps of this world, the traps of my own sin, and see how great God is.
Thank you, little chirpy birds, delightfully raining mornings, and a coffee pot that takes forever so that I had a chance to learn this small little lesson before it was ready and I began my day. ;)

May this be me....

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" ~Matthew 16:24-26


My Father's way may twist and turn,
My heart may throb and ache,
But in my soul I'm glad I know,
He maketh no mistake.

My cherished plans may go astray,
My hopes may fade away,
But still I'll trust my Lord to lead
For He doth know the way.

Though night be dark and it may seem,
The day will never break;
I'll pin my faith, my all in Him,
He maketh no mistake.

There's so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight's far too dim;
But come what may, I'll simply trust
And leave it all to Him.

For by and by the mist will lift
And plain it all He'll make,
Through all the way, though dark to me,
He maketh no mistake.
~A.M. Overton

I love my girls.....

Girls' night with the hotties.....







...more to come soon

Good stuff...

So, I'm havin a 'blah' day, and I read this. Thank you, Lord....I needed it.

These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full —John 15:11

What was the joy that Jesus had? Joy should not be confused with happiness. In fact, it is an insult to Jesus Christ to use the word happiness in connection with Him. The joy of Jesus was His absolute self-surrender and self-sacrifice to His Father— the joy of doing that which the Father sent Him to do— ". . . who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross . . ." ( Hebrews 12:2 ). "I delight to do Your will, O my God . . ." ( Psalm 40:8 ). Jesus prayed that our joy might continue fulfilling itself until it becomes the same joy as His. Have I allowed Jesus Christ to introduce His joy to me?
Living a full and overflowing life does not rest in bodily health, in circumstances, nor even in seeing God’s work succeed, but in the perfect understanding of God, and in the same fellowship and oneness with Him that Jesus Himself enjoyed. But the first thing that will hinder this joy is the subtle irritability caused by giving too much thought to our circumstances. Jesus said, ". . . the cares of this world, . . . choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful" ( Mark 4:19 ). And before we even realize what has happened, we are caught up in our cares. All that God has done for us is merely the threshold— He wants us to come to the place where we will be His witnesses and proclaim who Jesus is.
Have the right relationship with God, finding your joy there, and out of you "will flow rivers of living water" ( John 7:38 ). Be a fountain through which Jesus can pour His "living water." Stop being hypocritical and proud, aware only of yourself, and live "your life . . . hidden with Christ in God" (Colossians 3:3 ). A person who has the right relationship with God lives a life as natural as breathing wherever he goes. The lives that have been the greatest blessing to you are the lives of those people who themselves were unaware of having been a blessing.
~Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

I will wait for You there
Down on my knees where I met
You Give You all of my cares
Find a grace to hold onto now

I’m calling for You
I will wait for You there
far from the world and it’s violence
It left broken and bare
I need to hear You in the silence now
I’m calling for You

And with outstretched arms
I will sing out melodies
And my beating heart
Will pour out a symphony


Hallelujah’s in the morning
Hallelujah’s in the night
I will wait for you as long as I have life
I will wait for You there
Down On my knees where I met you
Cause life is a war fought with tears
But You are the strength I hold onto now
I’m calling for you

God is good. :)

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast.

A tree that looks at God all day
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.
~Joyce Kilmer

Nightly ramblings....

Sometimes, I feel like I'm a little kid all over again....like I've turned back into my little self who 15 years ago would incessantly ask questions. I wanted to know everything (or maybe I just wanted to hear myself talk). I would turn to the great authority of my parents and ask them every question in the book-mostly on the basic level of why this or how that or what happens when you squirt ants with soapy water (which I did of course, I was a bug exterminator at a young age).....recently though, I feel I've returned to my endless questioning phase. I just want to know why everything happens the way it does....why people come in and out of my life, why I've ended back up in phoenix for the summer, how come I still don't know 100 percent what I'm doing with my major...and so on and so forth. It's easy to become frantic over not having answers to what seems like anything, which is why I can only turn to the great authority I know. My Lord. He knows why, He knows how, He knows what for.....He knows it all. It's up to Him, however, if He's going to fill me in on it...after all, who am I to frantically feel that I deserve the right to know why I'm going through the things I am as if I'm completely innocent of it all and it's owed to me to know. In God's incredible (and unfathomable, however you spell that) mercy and grace, He understands my want to know, my secret desire to have that ultimate security that everything's going to be ok so I don't have to worry about anything. And you know what....I've got that, in Him. Even if I don't know in this life, I do know that inevitably comes down to God's character...He is love...and even when I'm struggling throuh so much, I know that His love covers all, that He will give me peace, He will grow me, He will comfort me, He will reveal to me His purposes and more of His character as long as I keep seeking after Him....and there it is....seeking after Him and not desperately seeking after an answer just to make me feel 'better' or more at 'ease' with the way things are. I haven't been doing a good job of that and so that is my prayer. Just as Paul said, He learned the secret to being content in every circumstance....in the end, am I more concerned with wanting to know why God works in the way He does, or is it to simply know Him? To take joy in my salvation through Him and share the fullness of His grace with those lost in this world.
Ok, I'm done now. I'm not sure if any of that made any sense, but you know, I'm not concerned if my thoughts do or not. I simply want to forget what's gone behind, and press on toward the future and what God's calling me to right now, even if I don't understand the reasons behind it. I seek to be obedient to Him adn simply trust....easier said than done, but hey, I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. :) praise the Lord

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
~Snow Patrol